1/25/12

            I never got the chance to write anything yesterday, between library, class, Crossings, and tending to my own stuff.  I even opted not to go to chapel last night, so I could try fitting my things in.  I would’ve benefited from going, but I needed some me time.

            Oh, I managed to step into the pod porter position yesterday, so I finally have a job, along with the pittance it provides.  I won’t make much this pay period, but I made a commitment that this and possibly a bit more will go toward the hygiene packs and other charity.  That was my promise of what I would do with my first paycheck when I got a job.  I’m thankful to have some work now.

            Today looks to be much devoted to study, reading, and writing.  I’m already off to a decent start, so maybe I can get my goals for the day accomplished and still fit in a nap.  One thing I know is I need to take time every day toward my writing if I’m ever to become good at it.

2/1/12

            While I surely have no desire to see my time here stretched out, the past few days I could’ve used more hours.  Between the writing I’m doing for class, reading I’m trying to finish, and study to get a book returned, the bit of work I do around here and whatever else comes along, I’ve found myself falling short of time to get what I put on my plate done.  Today is no exception.  This treatise nearly got put off yet again.

            Sad thing is that I feel tired right now, the good tired of work.  But the only thing I did of any import was to clean the shower upstairs.  So little gets me toward worn out right now, after so long from any real work.  Pathetic.

            Things not accomplished today that get pushed back toward tomorrow.  Wash my sheets.  Write two letters.  Some Bible reading.  Story writing.  I didn’t even get too hung up on TV today.  But I did get my room cleaned and straightened, along with a few other projects.  It’s also true that I have nothing but time.  I do feel more caught up than I did at the start of the day.

            The TV was on “Wheel of Fortune,” but I had to shut it off.  One contestant’s stupidity, coupled with his undeservingness to win was upsetting me.  I yell at game shows when they miss something obvious.  Feels almost like a Sheldon Cooper rationale for reaction.

            The other night, there was something that seemed worth further reflecting on, but I lost it when I got back to write and still can’t recall it.  I find it bothersome.

            One thing I can reflect on is my tendency to borrow trouble.  The other night I was worrying about whatever my circumstances might be once I’m done with Crossings.  That’s at least a year and a half away.  A lot can happen.  I’m naturally paranoid, but it’s more than I need.

            Should write again soon so thoughts don’t get backed up.

2/6/12

            I went and talked with the psych today.  It seemed to be OK, though I’m not quite sure if her agenda and mine click.  While I’m certain that some dealing with what makes me tick is considered by both of us, our areas of focus may be different.

            For my part, I would like to determine what my psychological or emotional disorders are.  I have actually given thought to going down a road I never thought I would – to apply for SSI.  This goes contrary to my work ethic, but I need to consider all paths that allow for survival, assuming I make it through this time.  My self-analysis shows that I am, or have been, an immature social retard, symptomatic of Asperger’s Syndrome, bi-polar disorder, and OCD.  Emotionally, I’m prone to doubts, depression, and conditions which my include PTSD.  While I cannot be sure of the accuracy of my own analysis, I believe it is possible, or even likely, that a professional diagnosis would reveal some debilitating condition.  I prefer work over sponging off the system, but I would at least be prepared for the possibility.  More importantly, I would have something solid to work on, not just speculation of what I might need to overcome.

            In other news, yesterday was the Super Bowl.  It turned out to be an occasion to indulge in pizza and subs.  I ate too much and was thankful for it.  I wasn’t really rooting for either team, but I’d picked the Patriots and was disappointed to be wrong.  Next year, Go Denver!

            Most of my efforts this past week have gone into reading, cleaning, and study.  I’ve got two letters to write in the next couple days.  My creative writing production has been nil.  One reason is lack of sleep at night leads to naps in the day.  I try to shut things down at a decent hour, but my bladder’s becoming that of an old man.  I hesitate to consider how my prostate is.  But the naps and interesting books cut in to productive time (not to mention the damn idiot box).

2/8/12

            Yesterday on television, I heard it said, “Family’s family.  Want has nothing to do with it.”  That led to my considering those who are still in my life and who I hear from.  It’s possible if I had no family, I would be alone.  I’m already pretty isolated, as a stranger in a strange land.  But my family, in spite of sufficient cause and encouragement, has mostly not yet deserted me.  What is the cause?  Is it simply the obligation imposed as family, or being accustomed to my presence in their lives?  I suppose I might partially answer that, having heard from S and T, knowing how important those two women have been in my life.  They have no blood ties, yet I’ve at least heard something from them.  And I love them both dearly and know that nothing could lead me to turn from them if they were in dire situations.  Same goes for my family.  So maybe it’s that family provides the obligation out of love.  I’m grateful for still having it toward me and that it’s still reciprocal.

            The other thing on my mind is having heard a woman’s testimony about her issues and how honesty and truth really entered in for establishing or re-establishing relationships.  I know this is important and with the greater maturity and perspective I have at this time of my life, I’m trying to get around to make that work for me.  There’s so much shame to the road I’ve taken and it loves the dark, but so do secrets and sin.  If I still have any chance at some kind of life, it will be because I keep light on myself, particularly with my loved ones.